THANKS, MR. PRESIDENT!
By Dan Tyler
Thanksgiving is a uniquely American holiday, invented on these very
shores. It is a good thing that we, as a people, spend one day a year
in prayerful communion with family and friends, counting our blessings and
practicing the gratitude attitude. Who can argue with a good meal,
football and a nap? And, better yet, the day after, itís off to the
Yes, Thanksgiving is quintessentially American.
of the English pilgrims and the original occupants peacefully sharing
natureís bounty at tables of brotherhood is a comforting reminder that
bipartisanship has a long and enduring tradition. Of course, after a
promising start, it didnít work out so well for you know who. Well, at
least, their current descendants exact a measure of revenge at all
those casinos. Still, despite all the problems that came up later decimating
and relocating an entire race of people, the first Thanksgiving is a
nice story and provides age appropriate, multicultural material for
elementary school drama productions.
So, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, Iíd like to offer some personal
appreciations to the man who leads our great country, George W. Bush.
Thank you, Mr. President, for dragging us,
kicking and screaming,
into an unnecessary war! Itís been a fun ride for all concerned,
especially our soldiers and the Iraqi people. Little did we know how
fulfilling it would be to invade a country, destroy it and then rebuild
it. And because of your courageous leadership, there is now so much
less terror in the world. Iím not sure how you measure terror, but, after
all this hoopla, it must be down. Thanks to you, those evil doers are
killing Americans in Iraq and not down the street in the Walmart
parking lot! I know I feel safer and sleep better. Of course, the new sedative
my doctor prescribed for anxiety helps.
And thanks, Mr. President, for that 87 billion
dollar war tab, which is, we understand, just a
down payment. I know, in my heart, you and your people are spending that
money wisely and I have no doubt weíre getting quite a bargain in the
process. By the way, thanks for the stock tip. Iím loading up on
From the bottom of my heart, I want to thank you for reversing those
dangerous budget surpluses we were building up. I realize those
surpluses were a real threat to our national security and had to be
tamed, once and for all. It was down right silly of us to start
planning all those wasteful social programs we could have afforded, like
universal medical care and free college educations for all. These man
size deficits are awesome! I admire your ability to put up numbers so
big and impressive. Harvard Business School must be proud of you. And,
with Christmas coming, I think Iíll follow your inspired example and
max out my credit cards. Like you, I want to serve my country by spending
money I donít have and buying things I donít need. Too bad I canít
afford a rocket launcher.
Thanks also, Mr. President, for those 3,000,000 lost jobs. Now, itís
going to be a lot easier to get good help, if you know what I mean.
Ever since you were selected to be President, I have noticed a new and
improved attitude among the working people I come across. Theyíre so
happy to have a job and so scared they might lose it, well, they really
hop to it. Iím getting better service all around, thanks to your
enlightened economic policies. My garbage collector has more spirit in
his step and seems to be more motivated to do a first rate job. Ditto,
waitresses and shop clerks. The last thing these guys are expecting is
a raise. Heck, I bet lap dancers are working harder! Next time itís
convenient, Iíll check that out.
I feel a personal debt of gratitude for your amazing ability to make
friends around the world. After Nine Eleven, it was getting a little
too touchy feely - the whole world sympathetic with our plight and
suffering. Who needs those crocodile tears? Now, thanks to your
muscular foreign policy, we know who our real friends are: quality people like
the Queen of England and the King of Spain - cream of the crop people
And finally, I want to thank you, George W.
Bush, for bringing
our country together and setting a new tone in Washington, just like you
promised in your campaign. We have never been so united as a people and
itís all because of your talent for consensus building and
bipartisanship - in the spirit of the first Thanksgiving. This
Thanksgiving, as I attempt to avoid talking with my Republican in-laws
about anything worth talking about, Iíll be especially grateful to you
for making sure food and football are the only topics of conversation
allowed at the table. Keeps things simple.
In closing, Iíd like to quote an old Ernest Tubb song.
ďThanks, thanks a lot, I got a broken heart and thatís all I got.Ē
Happy Thanksgiving, Mr. President. I hope your slice of turkey is as
dry as the Iraqi desert.
Copyright 2003, Dan Tyler