You might be a 
Republican in Recovery if...

...You've screwed up and publicly made terrorist statements about nuking Foggy Bottom. (and hurricanes striking the wicked and or gays)

...Your court-ordered AA attendance sheet is brand-new and blank

...You wake up after a post election binge and find yourself in a Viagra commercial. have to hire ANOTHER illegal alien maid because your first can't get you enough pills're so high that you actually start making logical sense for a change.'re calling your pusher more often than you're calling Robert Novak to leak classified information

...if you really believe what George Bush says love doing bong hit's with rush & pat robertson. adore "reformed" traitors like Whittaker Chambers and just know they would never stretch the truth after joining your side.


...You ask for 87 billion dollars to rebuild dirt.

...your coke head alcoholic leader keeps attacking countries to maintain his new "war high".

...You're still enraged about the bombing of the Sudanese pharmaceutical plant, feeling that Clinton may have poached your personal stash.

Your dealer is on speed dial.

You've dropped 50 pounds in 30 days.

You suddenly need hair plugs.

"Speak up" is used a lot in your conversations.

You can't sink a two foot putt.

You have Macanuda stains on your Joe Boxers.

There's been a white unmarked van parked across the street for several days.

Fox news isn't calling for interviews.

Your third wife is sleeping with her best friend's husband.

You're being measured for a straight jacket by your tailor.
-Swami Damnam Bandanaman

you think "recovery" refers to return of principal

you think "one day at a time" means daily compounding interest

you think that "faith in a higher power" means that interest would accelerate if you could compound it hourly trade your White House cufflinks for 10 percodan left your oxycontin in the Lincoln bedroom... make paper envelopes for your coke stash from pages of the Bible
you get caught!

...You never stop for a stop sign unless a motorcyclist gets in your way.

your house servants are your drug dealers.

You think it's addiction to 'prescription drugs' when you're using someone else's prescription. think Dubya really is a president. think Dubya is a world leader

During your last LSD trip, you think you're having phone sex with Condi Rice, when actually you're outing a CIA Agent to Bob Novak.

If your Grandfather got in trouble for doing business with the NAZIS during World War II, if you went AWOL for a year or longer during the Vietnam War, and you had the GALL to run for President & thought there were enough right wing idiots in the USA who would be DUMB enough to vote for you in spite of all of the above???? (Actually happened)

--your drug bill is so big, you have to pass another tax-cut to pay for it.'re s-elected president.

you choke on pretzels, fall off Segways, and trip over your dog.

when you believe that AH-nuld was just being a little rowdy while Bill Clinton was a pervert and a rapist! host a religious TV program and tell your viewers that the State Department that is run by Republicans should be nuked.
... you believe that "Osama bin Laden" and "al Queda" got the U.S. Air Force and NORAD to Stand Down as they did on 9/11.

- There's more than water in your toilet tank.

- Your wife dials 9-1-1 when you come home because sleeping in the alley messed-up your suit.

- You know a black person who is not on your payroll.

...if you have the answer to everything w/o even having to think about it.

Suddenly, you can feel Bill's pain

Your wife has had bright red bar-be-que mitts surgically attached to your hands to keep you from groping any female within arms reach.

You're so stoned, you say repeatedly you have no financial ties with Halliburton and think everyone believes it

... You can find a way to blame your addiction on Bill Clinton.

Roy Adams
Tyler, TX

You carry a bible in one hand and a gun in the other while preaching that you are a compassionate conservative.
During your last binge, you ask Rumsfield to think about dropping one of those charming little nukes on the State Department. find yourself in prison for selling bongs on the internet...oh wait... that was a liberal guy... throw him in prison!! grope 30 women over the course of 30 years

... you rail incessantly about how punishment must be administered to all those who indulge in your favorite vice.
In a drunken stupor, you trip over your own feet and blame it on a pretzel.

...your third wife doesn't know you consume 300 pills a day

...after your DWI arrest you "find Jesus", but you still can't stop lying.

...your last name is Bush. Hi, Zelda! J. F. Leon have to pay your housekeeper more than minimum wage to find you drugs. can't remember who to hate.

... your aides tell you what the news is because, when you try to read, your lips get tired.

you can no longer refer to poor people as 'worthless junkies and addicts'

You lost your job but still plan to vote for Bush.

We are very optimistic about our optimysticism. have to hire ANOTHER illegal alien maid because your first can't get you enough pills're so high that you actually start making logical sense for a change.

... you think prayer and giving it up to god is all it takes to get
through life's everyday challenges.

........ you put critical habitate plates on your Humvee ......


Doctors find out your hearing loss is due to your head being filled with doughnut cream.

You have to win at video poker to pay off your liposuction debts.

Vegas names a casino after you:
The Sweaty Palms

if your gun collection is no longer exciting
enough for you to mast*rbate over and you
fantasize about personal nukes.

You have a line of credit at Krispy Kreme.

... you answer to the name rush.

You write: "Why worry, then, about letting people decide for themselves which uses of drugs or devices, serving which goals, are right for them?" (,filter./news_detail.asp   Leon R. Kass, M.D., is chairman of the President's Council on Bioethics and the Hertog Fellow at the American Enterprise Institute.)

you ask for a side of "little blues" when you order your Denny's "grand slam" breakfast.

...if you are advocating jail time for others for doing the same damn thing you're doing, but portray yourself as heroic for "getting help" and finding religion.

...Your gambling losses are 9 million, & its still less than you weigh. believe hillbilly heroin will get you down to 500lbs. find yourself picking up after the maid.

You have to go to Australia to find someone to kiss you’re a*s !

You wake up President and the world is in the toilet...and you call Uncle Dick to see what you're supposed to do.