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Henry Hyde, Bob Barr and George Bush all happened to die on the same day. They find themselves in a room with three closed, locked doors. As they waited for something to happen, they hear a voice from out of the air. "Henry," it said, "you have sinned by being a hypocrite by attacking President Clinton for what you yourself have done. Now you must go to door one."

It opened and a vicious dog was there just waiting. "Enter the door, Henry, and spend eternity with the dog for your sins."

After Henry left, the voice was heard again. "Bob," it said, "you are also a hypocrite for the same reason. Now you must go to door two."

It opened and a vicious bull was there just waiting. "Enter the door, Bob, and spend eternity with the bull for your sins."

After Bob left, the voice was heard again. "George," it said, "Now you must go to door three."

It opened and a beautiful woman stood there. And the voice said, "Enter the door, woman, and spend eternity with Bush for your sins."

Sent in by Lee Davison www.democratsforum.com


"Compassionate Conservatism"
George Bush was spending some time at his ranch in Crawford, Texas. One afternoon, he was riding in the back of his official limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man..

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, well, you can come with me to my ranch," instructed the president.

"But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me!"

"Bring them along!" replied the president. He turned to the other man and said "You come with us, too".

"But, sir, I have a wife and six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well," answered Bush as he headed for his limo. They all climbed in, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

Bush replied, "Glad to do it. You'll love my place... the grass is almost a foot tall!"
 

Sent in by Lisa Miller


 

One night, George W. Bush was awakened in the White House by the ghost of George Washington.

George W. asked the ghost, "Mr. Washington, sir, what is the best thing I can do to help the American people?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, George W., just as I did."

The following evening, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appeared before Bush in the dark bedroom.

"Mr. Jefferson, sir," George W. asked, "what is the best thing I can do to help the American people?"

"Preserve the land for future generations and stay out of foreign affairs."

Bush wasn't sleeping well the next night, and saw yet another figure moving in the shadows. It was the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. "Mr. Lincoln, sir, what is the best thing I can do to help the American people?" George W. asked.

"Go see a play."
 

Thanks to Melissa Harris


Three Texas surgeons were arguing about who had the greatest skill.
The first began, "Three years ago, I reattached three fingers on a
pianist. He went on to give a recital for the Queen of England."

The second replied, "That's nothing. I attended a man in a car
accident. All his arms and legs were severed from his body. Two years
after I reattached them, he won three gold medals for field events in the Olympics."

The third said, "A few years back, I attended to a cowboy. He was
high on pot and alcohol when he rode his horse head-on into a freight
train traveling at 100 miles per hour. All I had to work with was the
horse's ass and a ten gallon hat. Two years ago he became President
of the United States."


Thanks to Jenn
 


Brothers :  Three brothers Neil, Jeb and Dubya, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here", says Neil, "It's Obidiah Jones' grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing", says Jeb, "here's one named Butch Smith. It says here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Dubya yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!"

"What was his name?" asks Neil.

Dubya lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Austin."



Active learning: George Bush and George Bush were dragging the deer they had just shot back to their truck. Another hunter approached, pulling his along, too.

"Sirs, I don't want to tell you how to do something," he said, " But I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer the other way. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."

After the third hunter left, they decided to try it. A little while later George said to George, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"

"Yeah," says George, "but we're getting farther from the truck."



Genie: A liberal came upon a genie and said, "You're a genie. Can you grant me three wishes?" The genie replied, "Yes, but only if you're feeling generous enough to share your good fortune." The liberal said, "I'm a liberal. I'm always happy to share." The genie said, "O.K., then, whatever you wish for, I'll give every conservative in the country two of it. What's your first wish?" "I would like a new sports car." "O.K., you've got it, and every conservative in the country gets two sports cars. What's your second wish?" "I'd like a million dollars." "O.K., you get a million dollars, every conservative gets two million dollars. What's your third and final wish?" "Well, I've always wanted to donate a kidney." 



Neighbors: 

A couple of years back, a Midland, Texas guy who was sound asleep on a rainy wet night was aroused from his slumbers by a drunk pounding on his door at 3:00 AM. His wife tells him to go answer the door so he grudgingly gets up and goes to the door.

A neighbor, slurring his words and obviously drunk says, "I need a push!". The guy says, "Dagnabit Georgie, it's 3:00 AM. No! I can't help you." He slams the door and goes back to bed.

And his wife says, "What was that all about?"

The guy says, "It was the Bush boy -- been a drinking again too -- big time. He wanted a push. I sent him packing. It's 3 o'clock in the morning. I'm not about to go out in the rain at this hour for that dang fool!"

The wife reminded him that they had been in a similar situation down in the creek at Red Rock and that at about the same hour in the morning, they pounded on a door and got the help they needed. She shamed him and, feeling guilty, he got back up, put on his pants and raincoat and went outside. George the Lesser was nowhere to be seen.

He hollered, "Do you still need help?" Hey Georgie, do you still need a push?" Off in the distance, he hears a slurred response, "Yeah! I still need a push." The guy says, "Well where in tarnation are you boy?" The drunk responds, "I'm over here on the swing! 



Leadership :  While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen."  Allow me to demonstrate."

She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds ,"It¹s me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I¹ll definitely be using that!"

Upon returning to Washington, he decides he¹d better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What¹s on your mind?"

"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb cracker."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb shit, it's Tony Blair!"



After the Revolution :  The far right extremists of FreeRepublic.com, WSJ.com, Nazi.com, and KKK.com finally get it together and overthrow the government. Then they start rounding up politicians to execute. A firing squad is convened and Al Gore, Bill Clinton and George W. Bush are all marched to a wall to be shot. As the right wing nuts are loading their guns Al Gore thinks, "I've got to cause a diversion so I can get away." He yells "Oh, no. A TORNADO" and points behind the firing squad. As the ultraconservative fruitcakes turn around to see if there is a tornado approaching, Al Gore jumps over the wall behind him and runs away. The firing squad turns their attention back to the two men who are left. Clinton quickly observes how well Gore's ruse has worked and yells "EARTHQUAKE". As the firing squad frantically looks for a place to take cover Clinton jumps over the wall and he too escapes. The firing squad resumes their stance and proceeds to take aim at George W. Bush. Dubya, believing that he, too, can create a diversion, frantically searches his mind for another natural disaster to use. Smiling to himself, he yells "FIRE".



Flies: As Governor, Bush got to ceremonially act as a state trooper for a day. While operating a speed trap Bush pulled over a Texas farmer. He lectured the farmer about his speed and the necessity of obeying laws made by his superiors, and in general threw his weight around. Finally, he got around to writing the ticket, and as he was doing so he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya, Sir?" Bush stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are -- I never heard of circle flies." So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of horses." Bush says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a minute he stops and slowly says, "Hey... wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?" The farmer says, "Oh no, Governor, I have too much respect for you to even think about calling you a horse's ass." Grinning broadly, Bush says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."



Balloon Ride :  George W. Bush takes his fancy new hot air balloon out for a ride. After soaring over the country side for an hour he realizes he is lost. After spotting a young girl on a farm below he descended and shouted, "Hey little girl, can you help me? I promised a friend an hour ago I would meet him, but I don't know where I am." The young girl replies, "You are in a hot air balloon over my daddy's corn field making a racket and scaring the chickens!" Peeved, Bush says, "Your daddy must be a Democrat." "He is," says the girl, "but how did you know that?"  "Well," answers Bush, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I still have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. You aren't being much help." The girl below responds, "You must be a Republican." "I am," replies Bush, "but how did you know?" "Well," says the girl, "You're way up there full of hot air looking down on the world, you don't know where you're at and you don't know where you're going. You promised something to somebody you can't deliver on, and you were in this spot before we met but somehow your predicament is all my fault."



Faking it : George W. was asked what he thought about Roe v. Wade. He said he thought it was just about the most important decision George Washington had to make before crossing the Delaware.

 


Fuzzy math :  Bob Packwood, Dick Cheney and George Dubya Bush go into a bar. Packwood orders first. "I'll have a B and C." The bartender asks, "What is a B and C?" "Bourbon and Coke," Packwood says. Cheney orders. "And, I'll have a G and T." The bartender asks, "What's a G and T?" "Gin and tonic," Cheney replies. Dubya wants to be cute, too. He says, "I'll have a 15." “OK,” the bartender asks, "What's a 15?" Dubya says, "A 7 and 7."



Teach your children:  A first grade teacher in the Midwest is explaining to her class that she is a Republican and how nice it is that a new Republican president has taken office. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Republicans and support George Bush. Everyone in class raises their hands except one little girl. "Mary," says the teacher with surprise, "why didn't you raise your hand?" Because I'm not a Republican," says Mary. "Well, what are you?" asks the teacher. "I'm a Democrat and proud of it," replies the little girl. The teacher cannot believe her ears. "My goodness, Mary, why are you a Democrat?" she asks. “Well, my momma and papa are Democrats, so I'm a Democrat, too." "Well," says the teacher in an annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Democrat. You don't always have to be like your parents. What if your momma was a criminal and your papa was a criminal, too, what would you be then?" "Then," Mary smiled, "then we'd be Republicans."



Count the Votes: George W. Bush, John Ashcroft, and Katherine Harris go fishing on the lake by George W.'s ranch. While speeding across the lake they hit a tree trunk which cracks a hole in the bottom of the boat. The boat starts to sink so they look for life preservers and find only one. George W. Bush says: "I'm the President selected by the Supreme Court. The people need me to protect the nation from the new world order and the growth of the new economy and computers and such." John Ashcroft says: "I'm the Attorney General and as the nations's chief law enforcement officer I must live so that there will be no fear or panic in the streets, if you two shall die. And besides I have to outlaw abortion, affirmative action, campaign finance reform, environmental protection, and same sex marriages to save the moral fiber of this country." Finally, Katherine Harris says: "I'm the Florida Secretary of State and the state Republican Chairwoman, and I must survive so that I can deliver the votes needed by all the Republican officials throughout the state, and disenfranchise those minorities who vote for Democrats, so that Republicans may continue to be elected even though more people vote for Democrats." And the three of them all agree that each has very good and moral arguments for the life preserver, so that they decide the only fair way to decide is by a vote. They cut up three squares of paper and vote by secret ballot. Then they open the ballots to tally them. The first ballot says "George W. Bush - one vote," the second ballot says "John Ashcroft - one vote", and the third ballot says "Kathryn Harris - 37 votes."



George W. Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have all died. Due to a glitch in the mundane/celestial time-space continuum, all three arrive at the Pearly Gates more or less simultaneously, even though their deaths have taken place decades apart. The first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein. Saint Peter questions him. "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths certain people will go to, to sneak into Heaven under false pretenses. Can you prove who you really are?" Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?" Saint Peter complies with a snap of his fingers. The blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his special theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really are Einstein! Welcome to heaven! The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso doesn't hesitate. "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ahead." Picasso erases Einstein's scribbles and proceeds to sketch out a truly stunning mural. Bulls, satyrs, nude women: he captures their essences with but a few strokes of the chalk. Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!" The last to arrive is George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head. "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?" George W. looks bewildered, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?" Saint Peter sighs, "Come on in, George."



Growing Up: 
George w. Bush is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the corner with a box. 
Curious, he runs over to the child and says, "What's in the box kid?" 
The little boy says, "Kittens, they're brand new kittens." 
George W. laughs and says, "What kind of kittens are they?"
"Republicans," the child says.
"Oh that's cute," George W. says and he runs off.
A couple of days later George is running with his buddy Dick Cheney and he spies the same boy with his box just ahead.
George W. says to Dick, "You gotta check this out" and they both jog over to the boy with the box.
George W. says, "Look in the box Dick, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey kid tell my friend Dick what kind of kittens they are."
The boy replies, "They're Democrats."
"Whoa!", George W. says, "I came by here the other day and you said they were Republicans. What's up?"
"Well," the kid says, "Their eyes are open now"

 



Post Turtle : A country doctor is suturing a laceration on the hand of an old farmer. Old man: "All you need to know about politics is that young Bush is a post turtle." Doctor: "Oh? What is a post turtle?" Old man: "When yer driving down a country road, and ya come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top? That's a post turtle. Ya know he didn't get there by himself, he don't belong there, he cain't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help take the poor thang down." 



Rats : A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at the exotica, he notices a very lifelike life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking he decides he must have it. He takes it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?" "$12 for the rat, $100 for the story," says the owner. The tourist gives the man $12. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story." As he walks down the street carrying his bronze rat, he notices that a few real rats have crawled out of the alleys and sewers and begun following him down the street. This is disconcerting, and he begins walking faster. But within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him has grown to hundreds, and they begin squealing. He begins to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now number in the MILLIONS, and are squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Concerned, even scared, he runs to the edge of the Bay, and throws the bronze rat as far out into the water as he can. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jump into the Bay after it, and are all drowned. The man walks back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," says the owner, "you have come back for the story?" "No," says the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Republican." 


Bush's closest advisors came to visit him at the White House one evening and found him slamming down beers and whooping it up. They were astonished since he had given up drinking years ago. When asked why he was off the wagon, Dubya replied that he was celebrating finishing a jigsaw puzzle.   They smiled and told him that wasn't much of an accomplishment. "Ah, but you're wrong. I did it in record time." When asked what that record was, he replied that he had finished it after only 6 months. Again, they told him that wasn't that great. "Oh yeah?" said the commander in chief, "Well the box says 3-5 YEARS!"


During Bob Dole's run for the president, a reporter asked him: Boxer's or briefs?

Dole's answer? 

Depends...

Thanks to Dave Bradley


What did Strom Thurmond say the first time he tried Viagra? 

"The South's gonna rise again!"     

Give a round of applause to pariahinphx@hotmail.com


New Version of "Hail To the Chief" for the Usurper in the White House. 

"Hail to the THIEF since you stole Al Gore's election

Bought with the help of Judge Rehnquist's bloodless coup

 You're nothing more than a second-rate Napoleon

I'll be glad in '04 when you meet your Waterloo!"

Thanks again to pariahinphx@hotmail.com


Did you hear about the new Kentucky Fried Chicken special?  

It's the Republican Bucket....All right wings and assholes...

Mega Thanks go to Suzan Sauls  luckygomez@earthlink.net  Great joke!



 On one of his photo-op tours, W. went to an elementary school and watched
the first grade class as they were studying words.  The teacher asked W. if
he'd like to help her teach the kids about words, and he replied, "Sure.  
Children, today's word is 'Tragedy.'  Can anybody tell me what Tragedy means?"

 One little girl raised her hand and said "If a kid gets hit by a car that
would be a Tragedy."  W. looked at her and said, "No, I am sorry, you are
wrong.  That would be an Accident.  A terrible Accident, but that would not
be a Tragedy."

 A little boy raised his hand and said "What if a whole school bus of little
kids went over the cliff and crashed?  Surely that would be a Tragedy."

 Again W. shook his head.  "No, I am sorry, you are wrong.  That would be a
Great Loss, but that would not be a Tragedy."

 Finally another little boy raised his hand and said, "I know, Mr. Bush.  If
you were flying on Air Force One and got shot down by a terrorist, that would
be  a Tragedy."

 "Very good, young man, that would be a Tragedy," W. said.  "And how did you
arrive at that answer?"

 "Well," said the little boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident and it
sure wouldn't be no Great Loss."

Thanks go to Gilxner@aol.com submitted 7-12-01


One day Dubya decides he wants to learn to sky dive so he talks to Cheney who has done it before.  Cheney agrees to teach him how so they go up in AirForce 1 somewhere over Texas and Cheney says to Dubya "Jump out and pull your rip cord.  I'll be right behind you and we'll go down together OK?"  Bush jumps out and pulls his ripcord and starts floating down. Cheney jumps out and immediately has a heart attack and flies past Dubya.  Bush sees Cheney streaking past and screams, undoing his parachute, "So ya wanna race huh?"

Big time thanks for the original joke by dfrench@pacificnet.net  6-28-01


Bill Clinton, Al Gore and George W. Bush are captured by terrorists in the jungle. The terrorists prepare to execute them by firing squad, one by one. Clinton is chosen first. As the terrorists aim their rifles, Clinton yells, "hurricane!" The terrorists drop to the ground in confusion and Clinton escapes. They select Gore next. As the terrorists aim their rifles, Gore thinks, "well, the distraction worked for Clinton, it'll work for me". Gore yells, "tornado!" The terrorists drop to the ground in confusion and Gore escapes. Bush is the last one left. As the terrorists aim their rifles, W. thinks, "well, natural disasters worked for Clinton and Gore, it'll work for me." Bush yells, "fire!"

Thanks go to David E Romm 6/9/01 dave@romm.org   

Visit his website www.visi.com/~romm

 


Bill Clinton and W Bush were riding on a train. A gorgeous blonde and an old woman sat down across from them. The train went into a tunnel and a loud SLAP was heard. When the train came out of the tunnel there was a bright red mark on Bush's cheek. The old woman thought, "That animal Bill Clinton, he must have made a pass at the blonde and she slapped Bush by mistake." The blonde thought, "That animal Bill Clinton, he must have made a pass at me, grabbed the old woman by mistake and she slapped Bush by mistake." W Bush thought, "That animal Bill Clinton, he must have made a pass at the blonde and she slapped me by mistake." Bill Clinton thought, "Every time we go through a tunnel I'm going to slap that smirking chimp." 

Thanks go to bakho 5/29/01 bakho@excite.com 


Cheney gets a call from his “boss”, W.

"I've got a problem," says W.

"What's the matter?" asks Cheney.

"Well, you told me to keep busy in the Oval Office, so, I've bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."

"What's the picture of?" asks Cheney.

"It's of a big rooster," replies W.

"All right," sighs Cheney, "I'll come over and have a look."

So he leaves his office and heads over to the Oval Office.  The secretary lets Cheney into the Office and W calls him over to the coffee table.

W points and shows him the jigsaw on the coffee table.

Cheney looks at the jigsaw and then turns to W and says, "For Christ's sake, Georgie - put the corn flakes back in the box."

Thanks go to Debbi of Monson, MA  5-09-01 debbi@topicalnet.com 


Q. What's the difference between Rush Limbaugh and the Hindenberg? 

A. One's a flaming Nazi gasbag and the other one's a dirigible. 

Thanks go to Leni Friedman 5-09-01 xemasab@aol.com 


STROM THURMOND REQUESTS VIAGRA

STROM THURMOND WENT TO HIS DOCTOR FOR A CHECK UP.  AFTER THE CHECK UP WAS OVER HE ASKED HIS DOCTOR IF HE COULD GET SOME VIAGRA.  THE DOCTOR LOOKED AT 

HIM AND SAID, "STROM AT YOUR AGE SEX WOULD PROBABLY KILL YOU."  STROM REPLIED,  "HELL DOC I DON'T WANT VIAGRA BECAUSE I WANT TO HAVE SEX."   "WELL, WHAT DO YOU WANT VIAGRA FOR, ASKED THE DOCTOR?"   "I'M TIRED OF PISSING ON MY FEET, REPLIED STROM."

Thanks go to Ronald Kay for this joke obo@peoplepc.com     4-29-01


Heaven's Gate for Bob Barr, Tom Delay and Henry Hyde

BOB BARR, TOM DELAY AND  HENRY HYDE WERE ON THEIR WAY TO A POLITICAL CONVENTION. THE VEHICLE IN WHICH THEY WERE RIDING WAS HIT BY A TRAIN. ALL THREE WERE PRONOUNCED DEAD AT THE SCENE. WHEN THEY ARRIVED AT HEAVENS GATE THEY WERE TOLD TO HAVE A SEAT IN THE WAITING ROOM. THE THREE OF THEM WERE SITTING THERE WONDERING WHAT WAS GOING ON. A VOICE COMES OVER THE LOUD SPEAKER AND SAYS HENRY HYDE GO TO DOOR NUMBER ONE. HENRY WALKS OVER TO DOOR NUMBER ONE AND OPENS IT. THERE STOOD THE MEANEST, UGLIEST DOG YOU EVER WANT TO SEE. A VOICE COMES OVER THE SPEAKER AND SAYS HENRY YOU HAVE SINNED AND FOR YOUR SINS YOU SHALL SPEND THE REST OF ETERNITY WITH THIS DOG. BOB AND TOM ARE SITTING THERE TALKING ABOUT ALL THE MEAN THINGS THEY DID TO BILL AND HILLARY AND A VOICE COMES OVER THE SPEAKER AND SAYS. TOM DELAY GO TO DOOR NUMBER TWO. TOM WALKS OVER TO DOOR NUMBER TWO AND OPENS IT. THERE STOOD THE MEANEST, UGLIEST GORILLA YOU EVER WANT TO SEE. A VOICE COMES OVER THE SPEAKER AND SAYS TOM YOU HAVE SINNED AND FOR YOUR SINS YOU SHALL SPEND THE REST OF ETERNITY WITH THIS GORILLA. OLD BOB BARR IS LEFT SITTING THERE WONDERING WHAT'S GOING ON. A VOICE COMES OVER THE SPEAKER AND SAYS, BOB BARR GO TO DOOR NUMBER THREE. BOB BARR WALKS OVER TO DOOR NUMBER THREE AND OPENS IT. THERE STOOD LINDA EVANS. BOB BARR SAYS "OH MY GOODNESS I REALLY AM IN HEAVEN," JUST THEN A VOICE COMES OVER THE SPEAKER AND SAYS LINDA EVANS YOU HAVE SINNED.

Thanks go to Ronald Kay for this joke obo@peoplepc.com     4-24-01


PYLE SELECTED AS JOINT CHIEFS' CHAIRMAN

General Gomer Pyle was selected by President Bush as his
nominee as the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

In a career dating from the early sixties, General Pyle rapidly
advanced through the ranks, even though stationed only at
Camp Henderson in California for the last 37 years.

President Bush praised General Pyle in a speech from the
Rose Garden.  "General Pyle embodies the hope and dreams
of all Americans when you can rise from a simple mechanic
at Wally's Service Station in Mayberry to the highest military
rank in the US Armed Forces."  The President then giggled,
smirked, and said, "Heh, kind of like me."

General Pyle shook the President's hand, shrugged, and said,
"Surprise, surprise, surprise, Mr. President!  Well, Golllee --
I can't tell you how much this means to me.  Can I get you to
autograph my hat?  And, I'd like to take a few pictures.  Would
you mind if I got Sergeant Carter to come on up here.  He
looks a little upset, Mr. President.  You think he's mad that I
outrank him now?"

General Pyle's said his first task is the ongoing commitments
in Bosnia.  "I plan on deploying Aunt Bee from Mayberry with
her blueberry cobbler.  ShaZAM! but that'd end that fussing
over there in just a second!"

It's expected General Pyle will order the military to start
exchanging its existing MRE (Meals Ready to Eat) packets with
Moon Pies and RC Cola.  


  BREAKING NEWS: GOD OVERRULES SUPREME COURT VERDICT
>
> Bush to be smitten later today
>
> In a stunning development this morning, God invoked the "one
> nation, under God" clause of the Pledge of Allegiance to
> overrule last night's Supreme Court decision that handed the
> White House to George Bush.
>
> "I'm not sure where the Supreme Court gets off," God said
> this morning on a rare Today Show appearance, "but I'm sure
> as hell not going to lie back and let Bush get away with this
> bullshit."
>
> "I've watched analysts argue for weeks now that the exact
> vote count in Florida 'will never be known.' Well, I'm God
> and I DO know exactly who voted for whom. Let's cut to the
> chase: Gore won Florida by exactly 20,219 votes."
>
> Shocking political analysts and pundits, God's unexpected
> verdict overrules the official Electoral College tally and
> awards Florida to Al Gore, giving him a 289-246 victory. The
> Bush campaign is analyzing God's Word for possible grounds for appeal.
>
> "God's ruling is a classic over-reach," argued Bush campaign
> strategist Jim Baker. "Clearly, a divine intervention in a
> U.S. Presidential Election is unprecedented, unjust, and goes
> against the constitution of the state of Florida."
>
> "Jim Baker's a jackass," God responded. "He's got some
> surprises ahead of him, let me tell you. HOT ones, if you
> know what I mean."
>
>
> God, who provided the exact vote counts for every Florida
> precinct, explained that bad balloting machinery and voter
> confusion were no grounds to give the White House to "a
> friggin' idiot."
>
> "Look, only 612 people in Palm Beach County voted for
> Buchanan. Get real! The rest meant to vote for Gore. Don't
> believe me? I'll name them: Anderson, Pete; Anderson, Sam,
> Jr.; Arthur, James; Barnhardt, Ron..."
>
> Our Lord then went on to note that he was displeased with
> George W. Bush's prideful ways and announced that he would
> officially smite him today. In an act of wrath unlike any
> reported since the Book of Job, God has taken all of Bush's
> goats and livestock, stripped him of his wealth and
> possessions, sold his family into slavery, forced the former
> presidential candidate into hard labor in a salt mine, and
> afflicted him with deep boils.
>
> Dick Cheney will reportedly receive leprosy
.  


"A non-Dubya funny and true story

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
engineering mid-term to a senior student. The answer was so "profound" that
the Professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the
pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic(absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law,(gas
cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some
variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need
to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are
leaving.

I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not
leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different
religions that exist in the world today.  Some of these religions state that
if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there
are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more
than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in
Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of  change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's
Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay
the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell
breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of
souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell
freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my
Freshman year, that "... it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with
you.", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in
having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true.

Thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."

The student received the only "A" given.

Submitted by Alan George 4-2-01


Do you have a good joke about Dubya or any Repugnican cronies?

Just email me and I'll give you credit for your submission

floridagate2000@yahoo.com

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