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Monday edition - July 18, 2011
If Arizona state senator Lori Klein pointing a loaded gun with a laser beam at a reporter's chest isn't terrorism, I don't know what is.
The U.S. is now in serious danger of
defaulting on our foreign loans. Which explains why today, China showed up and
broke the Statue of Liberty’s kneecaps. - Jimmy Fallon
"According to a new poll, U.S. popularity in the Middle East is at an all-time
low. How could it be lower than before, when it was 'Death to America?'"
Would Murdoch Ever Resign?
News Corp's Australian
sank to a two-year low on Monday as the UK phone hacking scandal fallout
worsened, raising concerns that a $2 billion bid for an Australian pay-tv firm
involving News Corp could be derailed by political intervention.
A man was busted at JFK airport for
smuggling six pounds of cocaine in his sneakers. That’s right, his plan was
hiding cocaine in his shoes — you know, those things that you never, ever have
to take off at the airport. - Jimmy Fallon
Military Couples Denied Equal Rights
But in the eyes of the military the marriage will not be recognized and the couple will still be denied most of the benefits the Defense Department gives to heterosexual couples to ease the costs of medical care, travel, housing and other living expenses.
Congressman Bill Johnson said his Twitter account was hacked yesterday after an
image of a naked man was posted on his page. When the Lord taketh a Weiner he
giveth a Johnson." –Jimmy Fallon
It's About Frigging Time.
A new report by a major
human rights organization documents what has long been indisputable, that the
Bush administration conceived and carried out a shameful policy of torture and
other abuses in the interrogation and detention of suspects in its “war on
terror.” The question is, and always was, what beyond hand-wringing should be
done about it?
Schools in Illinois are dropping
writing portions from standardized tests. When asked why, a spokesman said, “We
simple does not needs them.” - Jimmy Fallon
Let the Investigations Begin
Senator Dick Durbin of Illinois tells NBC's "Meet the Press," that Congress
investigate Rupert Murdoch's News Corp. over phone hacking allegations.
Social Security checks don't go out on August 3, it's just old people. You know
how they are. They're just gonna blow that money on medicine and hips." –Jon
On Friday, a woman in Texas gave
birth to a baby boy weighing in at 16 pounds, 1 ounce. When they did the
sonogram, the doctor was like, “I’m not sure if it’s a boy or a girl, but it’s
definitely an American.” - Jimmy Fallon
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This image provided by the California Milk Processor Board shows part of a new "Got Milk?" ad campaign. The California Milk Processor Board is encouraging men to buy more milk for their wives and girlfriends, which the campaign says will help them fend off the symptoms of premenstrual syndrome. However, the statewide campaign launched this week entitled "Everything I Do Is Wrong" was drawing criticism online for ads saying men are the real PMS sufferers as their wives and girlfriends behave strangely every month. Photo/California Milk Processor
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