Monday edition - April 6, 2009




Palin camp responds to Levi Johnston
Politico - ‎4-6-09
Bristol Palin's ex boyfriend and father of her baby, Tripp, went on the Tyra Banks show this week and spilled secrets, including that he thinks Sarah Palin...


Gov. Sarah Palin's sister-in-law, Diana Palin, arrested for burglary
New York Daily News - ‎Apr 3, 2009‎
Governor Sarah Palin's family have been making headlines lately, this time it's her sister-in-law that has gained the media's attention

Levi Johnston says Sarah Palin let him and Bristol share a room
Chicago Tribune - ‎Apr 3, 2009‎
In an interview that airs Monday on "The Tyra Banks Show," Levi Johnston admits he and Gov. Sarah Palin's daughter Bristol were allowed to share a room at


Thanks for your patience. I needed that day off! I hope you enjoy today's edition.



"As you know by now, the government is now taking an active role in the auto business. President Obama offering hope, change, and 0 percent financing." --Jay Leno


The-World-Will-Be-A-Safer-Place-Without Saddam

What Militarization Of The CIA?



 A documentary on Russian state television has accused the U.S. of using an air base in Kyrgyzstan to spy on Russia and China — an allegation a spokesman for the base flatly denied on Monday.

The film, aired Sunday on the Rossiya TV channel, showed a building it said was used for electronic surveillance and identified a woman it said worked in the U.S. Embassy as a CIA agent.


Happy April Fool's Day, everybody. It is crazy when you think about it. Bush has only been out of office 10 weeks and he already has his own national holiday." --David Letterman



Glenn Beck Makes Fun Of Obama's Aunt's Limp News Hounds



Disturbing News


"Hey, you hear about this? A voice from the past, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, who may run for president in 2012, that's the rumor, has converted to Catholicism. So after a number of affairs, two divorces, and three marriages, how would you like to get stuck behind him for that first confession, huh?" --Jay Leno



Newter Gingrich, Please



Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich told “Fox News Sunday” that he would have disabled the long-range missile before North Korea launched it, saying too many people “do not appreciate the scale of the threat that is evolving on the planet.”

“One morning, just like 9/11, there’s going to be a disaster,” Gingrich said.






Republican-Shenanigans News


"I like to contrast what President Obama is up to and what John McCain, his opponent in the general election, is up to. For example, Obama met with 17 political leaders from 11 nations. He will attend five summits in different countries around Europe. Today, comparatively speaking, John McCain watched his 89 Caddy go through the car wash." --David Letterman



Rock-The-Voter News


"And there was kind of an awkward moment yesterday as President Obama was leaving to go to the G-20 summit. Hillary Clinton called and said, 'Can I run the country while you're gone? Please, can I?'" --Jay Leno



All Hat No Cattle weekend commentary

Republicans offer kinder, gentler budget proposal

The nation can rest easier now that Republican leaders have offered their alternative budget plan.
It would cut taxes for businesses and the wealthy while having the middle and lower classes bend over for another dose of compassionate conservatism.
They didn’t have to work overtime on this one. It is in perfect sync with standard conservative pablum on economic philosophy and governance.
Like the need for people to “pull themselves up by their own bootstraps.” Just remember that you have to bend over to grab your bootstraps, and a lot could happen before you get a chance to straighten up.
And how about “trickle-down economics?” If you think you’ve been rained on quite enough since that mantra became vogue during the Reagan years, get ready for a deluge.
It was only a week ago that Republican congressmen were staging a pathetic press conference to unveil their “budget” proposal. Unfortunately, it was almost devoid of the one thing critical to budget plans: numbers.
House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-Ohio) took some prime time heat for that fiasco, so he perhaps more than anyone was happy to see an actual plan with numbers being presented this week. (Boehner pronounces his name bay-ner, but All Hat No Cattle believes it should be changed to boner because that is what the esteemed congressman pulled when he rolled out that joke-of-a-budget plan last week.)
Here are some highlights of the current Republican proposal:
It would slash federal health programs for the elderly and the poor.
It would freeze most government spending for five years – except for the military and veterans’ programs.
It would make permanent the Bush-era tax cuts for the wealthiest that are scheduled to expire at the end of 2010. 
And it would stop some spending already approved in the economic stimulus plan.
The mastery of numbers has not been Boner’s strong suit.
He and fellow conservative Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-Ky) have been vocal in their opposition to a new cap-and-trade policy under consideration by Congress. The only problem with their vocal opposition is that it is premised upon a lie.
 McConnell and Boehner claim that the government’s greenhouse gas reduction strategy will “cost every American family up to $3,100 per year in higher energy prices.”
But lo and  behold, one of the authors of the 2007 study upon which Boehner and McConnell base their claim now says that their conclusion is “just wrong” and that he warned them of that before they went public with the grossly inflated figure.
Massachusetts Institute of Technology Professor John Reilly says the actual cost will be about 1/40th of that sum and won’t be incurred until 2015.
What all this means is that Boehner is both mathematically and ethically challenged. The Republican Party of today seems to like that in its leaders.

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Biz-Tech News


CEO Update


The government may require new faces in executive suites at banks requiring "exceptional assistance" in the future, Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner said Sunday....Geithner put banks on notice that they may need to change leadership teams in exchange for accepting more money in the future.


"And China says it wants to replace the U.S. dollar with a new global currency. They want to move from a gold-based standard to a lead-based standard." --Jay Leno


Bush-Prison-Torture News


Go-F**k-Yourself News

In case you missed it …

In its tireless effort to provide news and giggles for its readers, All Hat No Cattle offers this Monday glimpse back at the previous week with an emphasis on the weekend dump. (We mean the time preferred by government officials, politicians and titans of industry to release unsavory news in the hope it receives less media coverage – not the bathroom activity.)

Sun., 4-5-09
Maybe she should ask the Octomom for one
LILONGWE, Malawi (AP) – Madonna left Malawi on her private jet Sunday after being rebuffed in an attempt to adopt a second child from the poor African nation, air traffic control officials said.

Police roadblocks prevented reporters from approaching the airport but one police officer said Madonna carried David, her adopted Malawian son, up the steps of the Gulfstream jet.

Sat., 4-4-09
Guns don’t kill people; people with assault rifles do
PITTSBURGH (AP) – A gunman wearing a bulletproof vest and "lying in wait" opened fire on officers responding to a domestic disturbance call Saturday, killing three of them and turning a quiet Pittsburgh street into a battlefield, police said.

Police Chief Nate Harper said the motive for the shooting isn't clear, but friends said the gunman recently had been upset about losing his job and feared the Obama administration was poised to ban guns.

Richard Poplawski, 23, met officers at the doorway and shot two of them in the head immediately, Harper said. An officer who tried to help the two also was killed.


Fri., 4-3-09
Welcome to America. land of mass shooters
BINGHAMTON, N.Y. (AP) – A gunman barricaded the back door of a community center with his car and then opened fire on a room full of immigrants taking a citizenship class Friday, killing 13 people before apparently committing suicide, officials said.

Investigators said they had yet to establish a motive for the massacre, which was at least the fifth deadly mass shooting in the U.S. in the past month alone.


Thurs., 4-2-09
Let’s talk about long-term economic policy

WASHINGTON (AFP) – Journalists based in the United States got a shock Thursday when they dialed a toll-free number to join a conference call with senior officials accompanying US President Barack Obama in London.

The number turned out to be a sex chat line inviting callers to use their credit card numbers.


Wed., 4-1-09

Thank God – er Buddha – that this has nothing to do with missile launch
SEOUL, South Korea (AP) – Two American journalists detained in North Korea could land in a notorious labor camp for years if convicted on charges of illegal entry and "hostile acts." But the regime may be more interested in using the reporters as leverage in talks with the U.S.

They could provide Pyongyang with an edge in any negotiations with Washington following its planned launch of a rocket some time in the coming week, which U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton has warned would be seen as a "provocative act" with serious consequences.


Tues., 3-31-09
Somebody should have told the priest to use condoms

NEW YORK (AP) – Pope Benedict XVI has taken the extraordinary step of ordering a Vatican investigation of the Legionaries of Christ, the influential, conservative religious order that has acknowledged that its founder fathered a child and molested seminarians.

Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone, the No. 2 man in the Vatican, said church leaders will visit and evaluate all seminaries, schools and other institutions run by the Legion worldwide.

The Legion revealed in February that its founder, the Rev. Marcial Maciel of Mexico, had fathered a daughter who is now in her 20s and lives in Spain. Maciel died in 2008 at age 87.


Mon., 3-30-09
Oh well, we probably didn’t have much evidence on this guy either
WASHINGTON (AP) – The Obama administration has agreed to release another Guantanamo detainee, but officials aren't saying yet where he'll go.

The Justice Department and lawyers for 38-year-old Aymen Saeed Batarfi have agreed to put his court case on hold while the government looks for a country to take him, according to papers filed in federal court in Washington.

According to U.S. officials, Batarfi, a doctor from Yemen, spoke to Osama bin Laden during the fighting in 2001 at Tora Bora.






"And from the animal kingdom, it seems a loggerhead sea turtle nearly swam to the doorstep of a Florida Keys turtle hospital. This is the only licensed veterinary facility in the world that solely treats sea turtles. This turtle somehow knew to swim right up to the hospital. Isn't that amazing? Sad part, they had to turn him away when his H.M.O. wouldn't cover the visit." --Jay Leno



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Odd News

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A pair of deer peers through a drive-in liquor store window Friday, March 27, 2009 in Medicine Bow, Wyo.
Photo/Laramie Boomerang, Alison Simpson







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