TGIF/Weekend edition - March 20-22, 2009




US House OKs 90% tax on bailout firms' bonuses
Dallas Morning News - ‎3-20-09
Some members of both parties raised doubt about whether the legislation could survive a court challenge, saying it was tantamount to a retroactive "bill of attainder," which is banned by the Constitution. Even backers of the bill acknowledged it amounted to an extraordinary use of tax law.


Obama reaches out to Iran in video
Chicago Sun-Times - ‎3-20-09‎
His video was timed to the festival of Nowuz, which means "new day," which marks the arrival of spring and is a major holiday in Iran. In his message, Obama...

How Did Newspapers Get in This Pickle?
E&P Editor-at-Large Mark Fitzgerald, at the midyear meeting of the Inter American Press Association in Asuncion, Paraguay, delivered an address this week on the state of the U.S. newspaper industry. The full transcript of his speech follows...


"In his speech yesterday, President Barack Obama lashed out about these excessive bonuses. He said the trouble at AIG was caused by recklessness and excessive greed. But here's the problem. The AIG executives thought it was a compliment. They went, 'Oh, thanks, wow.'" --Jay Leno


The-World-Will-Be-A-Safer-Place-Without Saddam

The Effects Of Bush's Torture Policies


A federal judge rejected a defense contractor's claims that it was immune from lawsuits by four alleged torture victims at the Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq.

In a ruling made public Thursday, U.S. District Judge Gerald Bruce Lee rejected claims made by Arlington, Va.-based CACI that it couldn't be sued because its interrogators were performing their duties as the government required.



I heard this today, a new audiotape from Osama bin Laden was released. On the tape, he says he doesn’t care what anyone says, he’s not giving back his bonus money.- Jimmy Fallon







Former President George W. Bush just signed a $7 million book deal, though, reportedly, he thought it was to read one.- Jimmy Fallon



Disturbing News


What does one TRILLION dollars look like?


Fox Noise


Fox News's Greta Van Susteren, who did a series of friendly interviews with Gov. Sarah Palin and her husband, responded today on her blog to Chris Cillizza's report that Van Susteren's husband, John Coale, is a key Palin advisor who is "helping to run Sarah PAC."




Republican-Shenanigans News


In worthless drain on taxpayer money news, insurance giant A.I.G.. is on the hot seat because after they took billions of dollars in bailout money, they gave $165 million out in bonuses to their executives. So now, lawmakers are demanding that they give the money back. The problem, though, is that legally they’re entitled to the money so it’s a dilemma. But I have an idea I think might satisfy all of us and also adhere to the letter of the law. I say, instead of mailing the bonus checks to their houses, we put rocks on them and we put them at the bottom of an enormous piranha tank. We set it up in the middle of Times Square. You want the money, swim. There it is.- Jimmy Kimmel


AIG versus USA


While the American International Group comes under fire from Congress over executive bonuses, it is quietly fighting the federal government for the return of $306 million in tax payments, some related to deals that were conducted through offshore tax havens.



Big night for the network tonight. Barack Obama became the first sitting president to ever appear on a late night show. He was on “Leno” tonight. Of course, it doesn’t count the time Thomas Jefferson was on “Larry King.”- Jimmy Fallon

Rock-The-Voter News

Sexual Intelligence Agency*


As a novice CIA case officer in the Middle East, Andrew Warren quickly learned the value of sex in recruiting spies. Colleagues say that he made an early habit of taking informants to strip clubs, and that he later began arranging out-of-town visits to brothels for his best recruits. Often Warren would travel with them, according to two colleagues who worked with him for years.

His methods earned him promotions and notoriety over a lengthy career, until Warren, 41, became ensnared in a sex scandal.


* From this poem written about 2 years ago by Hubert Wilson



A new comic book about Michelle Obama’s life will be released this April. In the comic book, the First Lady battles her archenemy, sleeves. - Jimmy Fallon



Biz-Tech News


"Reese Witherspoon is on the show tonight. She has a new movie, 'Monsters vs. Aliens.' Now, don't confuse it with a show on CNN. That's 'Lou Dobbs vs. Aliens.'" --Jay Leno





All Hat No Cattle weekend commentary

Obama jokes about handicapped, drowns kittens, beats wife

Has everyone heard about President Obama’s lame joke referencing the Special Olympics on the Jay Leno show last night?

Oops! Pardon us here at All Hat No Cattle! We shouldn’t have used that adjective. It was an unintended pun. Really. We swear.

Anyway, Obama apologized for his insensitive comment even before the show aired, but the damage already was done. We now will see the video snippet of Obama saying that his bowling prowess is “like the Special Olympics” re-broadcast ad nauseam by the fair and balanced network and in ads from right-wing PACs.

Not to be outdone, the tabloid press will devote their considerable investigative resources to the story. They will probe the President’s past for any hint of ill will toward disabled people. So expect headlines like “Source: Obama once pushed child in wheelchair down stairs” and “Obama’s Islamic school urged tormenting of handicapped”.

All of this could have been avoided – we here at AHNC believe – if Obama simply had sent Vice President Joe Biden to the Leno show in his place. Everybody expects Biden to commit at least one gaffe per interview, and a Special Olympics moment by Biden would have been acceptable, almost predictable. “There goes Joe, shootin’ off his mouth again! But that’s Joe!”

Please do not get the impression that AHNC in any way endorses humor about the physically or mentally impaired. We already have Rush Limbaugh to laugh at.

And with all the economic chaos and scandal going on, there is a whole new humor genre for us to disparage or makes joke about instead of the handicapped: Big Business.

CEOs appear before more Congressional committee hearings these days than Mafia members used to in the 1960s and ’70s. A lot of tired old jokes about lawyers can now be recycled and told about Wall Street players. Titans of industry have become the new whipping boys for a fed-up, near broke and pissed-off American public.

So we say forget about Obama’s slip-up. Focus instead on the incredible actions and the dire consequences brought to us courtesy of corporate greed and its practitioners.

Start referring to America’s automakers as The Three Stooges instead of The Big Three. Stop thinking of major international banks as financial institutions; think of them as institutions for the criminally insane. Don’t look to Big Oil to fuel and lubricate the global economy. Look upon it as Big KY Jelly, and you’ll have a better idea of what the oil industry has in mind for humanity.

And don’t by any stretch of the imagination consider AIG – formerly known as American International Group – to be just another huge insurance company. When you see or hear the letters AIG, think of three words: arrogance, incompetence, greed.

Just don’t make any cracks about a crippled company or its moronic managers. After all, some of them were just being crazy like a fox.


Bush-Prison-Torture News

Suze Orman Wants Bush To Give Away Family Fortune



"Commander in Chief?" she says of George W. Bush, with a mix of disbelief and scorn. "You blew up every single financial vessel we had and if you think you aren't personally responsible, well, the blame starts at the top. There is no higher top than you, SIR! If I were you, I would feel so absolutely horrific that I would take every penny I had and distribute it to anybody and everybody to help them in whatever way I could. You owe the American people every penny of your fortune and your family's fortune."





"Speaking of which, he did not disappoint [on screen: Cheney saying that Obama's actions since he took office have made Americans less safe]. I trust you. So, sir, is that based on you reading the intelligence reports? [on screen: Cheney saying he doesn't read the intelligence reports anymore]. Oh, well then, maybe I could interest you in a hot cup of shut-the-f***-up." --Jon Stewart


Go-F**k-Yourself News




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Odd News

To Help You Deflate Photo




A child looks at robotic fish at the London Aquarium. The carp-shaped robots, costing 20,000 pounds ($29,000) apiece, mimic the movement of real fish and are equipped with chemical sensors to sniff out potentially hazardous pollutants, such as leaks from vessels or underwater pipelines. The robots to be used are bigger than those which were seen at the London Aquarium and they measure nearly five feet long -- roughly the size of a seal. Photo/Jonas Borg/UNITED KINGDOM ANIMALS SOCIETY ENVIRONMENT SCI TECH






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