Thursday edition - February 9, 2006
Let's make Bush president of Iraq and call it even.
"If President Bush is wiretapping my phone and listening to my calls, I think he actually should pay for half of the phone-sex bill." --David Letterman
Kindergarteners Labeled Terrorists. You're doin' a heckuva job, Chertoff! And America is Now Officially Declared Nuts.
WHILE ATTORNEY GENERAL Alberto Gonzalez assures the U.S. Senate that the
Bush Administration’s domestic eavesdropping program is a vital “early
warning system” for terrorists, another homeland security measure strikes
at a local elementary school...Since new security regulations went into
effect in May 1, 2005, access to the Visitor Center is restricted to
United States citizens.
All others might be terrorists.
Tom DeLay To Investigate Himself. Really.
DeLay, R-Texas, also
claimed a seat on the subcommittee overseeing the Justice Department,
which is currently investigating an influence-peddling scandal
involving disgraced lobbyist Jack Abramoff and his dealings with
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Separation of Church and the Air Force
An evangelical group petitioned Wednesday to intervene in a lawsuit by an Air Force Academy graduate who alleges senior officers and cadets illegally impose Christianity on others at the school.
Liberals attack Christians? When has anybody ever heard the phrase "Onward, liberal soldiers"?- Zing!
"President Bush unveiled his new $2.2 trillion budget. Yeah, the president settled on $2 trillion after being told that $2 bazillion was not a real number." --Conan O'Brien
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"The Attorney General of the United States, Alberto Gonzalez testified before the senate about the domestic spying program. But first there was a big fight about whether or not to place him under oath. Ultimately they decided not to place him under oath. See, baseball players, they have to be under oath. But the attorney general, no." --Jay Leno
“In Washington, the Pentagon announced plans to build new long-range weapons as a deterrent to China. Unfortunately, we don't have any factories left in this country, so the weapons will be built in China.” -- Jay Leno
Why Barbara Bush Didn't Attend Coretta Scott King's Funeral
Former First Lady Barbara Bush said that while she'd "likely never" rent a hydraulic lift, she and her husband--former U.S. president George Bush--were probably "your biggest clients" for event rental because "my husband loves to give parties!" She made her remarks yesterday morning as the keynote speaker at the opening of the Rental Show exhibits in Orlando, Fla.
ENRON is an exact microcosm of the White House. —Grant Gerver
Did you hear about that gigantic NHL betting scandal? Frankly, my dear, I don't give a puck. —Grant Gerver
American adventurer Steve Fossett flies over the Atlantic Ocean in the Virgin Atlantic GlobalFlyer II, Wednesday, Feb. 8, 2006. The US adventurer is aiming to fly 26,084 miles non-stop - one and a quarter times around the world. If all goes to plan, he is expected to end his 80-hour journey at Kent International Airport, England, on Saturday afternoon. (Photo by Dan Chung)