TGIF/Weekend edition - February 27 - March 1, 2009

With so many newspapers closing down across this country, soon we won't know about all of the atrocities that have been committed by the conservatives.

5...4...3...2...1.... Republicans break out in wild cheering

Obama said that we can overcome this crisis if we’re all willing to work hard and make sacrifices. So, in other words, we’re screwed.- Jimmy Kimmel

The-World-Will-Be-A-Safer-Place-Without George W. Bush

• US military deaths in Iraq war at 4,251AP

• US soldier dies on combat patrol in Baghdad AP

• Dutch national pleads guilty to conspiring to kill troops in Iraq

• Iraq Hands Death Penalty to 28 Cultists for Attacks NYTimes

• Poll: Majority approve of Obama's new troop plan CNN

• Kuwaiti Foreign Minister Visits Iraq VOA

• Pentagon allows coverage of war coffins CNN

• Iran warns Obama’s government: “Quit talking like Bush” Reuters

No Wonder He Quit Obama's Cabinet, Gregg Pulled A Preemptive Strike!

President Barack Obama's former nominee to become commerce secretary, Sen. Judd Gregg, steered taxpayer money to his home state's redevelopment of a former Air Force base even as he and his brother engaged in real estate deals there, an Associated Press investigation found.

Gregg, R-N.H., personally has invested hundreds of thousands of dollars in Cyrus Gregg's office projects at the Pease International Tradeport, a Portsmouth business park built at the defunct Pease Air Force Base, once home to nuclear bombers. Judd Gregg has collected at least $240,017 to $651,801 from his investments there, Senate records show, while helping arrange at least $66 million in federal aid for the former base.
 

"Let's begin with the big story. Last night, President Barack Obama's not State of the Union address. His first speech to Congress is not technically a State of the Union address, which is nice, because this is one year you probably do not want to complete the sentence, 'The state of the union is...'" --Jon Stewart

Bobby Jindal Is Kenneth the Page from '30 Rock' - Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog

When The Going Gets Tough, The Tough Go To Disney World

Given the drubbing Jindal took over his nat'l debut (who wants to bet SNL has already booked Jack McBrayer?) it's a good thing he's spending the weekend in Disney World

"Nation, last night, once again, the political stage was set on fire by a brilliant orator, a man whose charisma even I have to admit can only be rivaled by a giant Brad Pitt made out of puppies. I'm speaking of, of course, of Bobby Jindal." --Stephen Colbert

Disturbing News

• Drug cartel's tentacles stretch across the US AP

• Turkish plane had major repairs days before crash Guardian

Violence On The Increase

Alone in his mobile home off a winding dirt road, Jimmy Tanks heard a commotion at 2:30 a.m. just outside his bedroom window: Somebody was messing with his car.

The 67-year-old railroad retiree grabbed a gun, walked out the back door and confronted not a thief but a repo man and two helpers trying to tow off the Chrysler Sebring. Shots were fired, and Tanks wound up dead, a bullet in his chest.

"Although Obama was greeted warmly, the night's speech was no small task. Obama's challenge would be to convey to the American public the sobering realities of our current situation, while maintaining an optimistic tone for the future, all while desperately, desperately, desperately trying not to turn around for a quick game of wack-a-mole [on screen: video clips of Speaker Nancy Pelosi continuously jumping up to clap during Obama's speech]. Interesting fact about Nancy Pelosi: she is one-eighth gopher, on her father's side." --Jon Stewart

Republican-Shenanigans News

• Huckabee, in CPAC Speech, Blasts McCain, Democrats, Socialisms Washington Post

• JOE THE PLUMBER AT CPAC MSNBC

• Joe Scarborough at CPAC 09

• Ten Republicans to Watch

• Republicans Attack Obama Budget, Call It Loaded With Spending

• FBI makes first arrest in Stanford fraud case Reuters

• Carville: Jindal leads GOP on a 'march to folly' CNN

• Mrs. Bush: Former first family adapts to new life AP

• Stevens: No White House oath needed for justices AP

"People are comforted [by Obama's rhetoric], but he's a politician and I know he's lying." - Joe the Plumber, whose name is neither Joe nor is he a plumber

Tax Cheater

Gov. Sarah Palin's agreement to reimburse the state for trips her children took at government expense does not address potential tax problems she might face for charging Alaska thousands of dollars for their travel, lawyers handling the settlement said.

Rush Limbaugh has got himself a stalker, a mysterious blonde named Melanie.

The caretaker of the conservative mouth’s compound on the north side of Palm Beach called 911 about 3:45 p.m. Wednesday to report that the woman in a car tried to drive onto the property when the stately gates opened

Rock-The-Voter News

• Senate panel to review CIA programs under Bush CNN

• AP Source: Obama to rescind Bush abortion rule AP

• Firms defraud government but get new US contracts AP

"Now, it's clear the Republican party has a new rock star -- in that Jindal appears to have the body fat of Iggy Pop on free heroin day. Now, Jindal took it straight to the Democrat's porkulus plan, like this waste of money [on screen: Jindal going after the $140 million set aside for volcano monitoring]. Ridiculous! Monitoring volcanoes totally ruins the surprise. Republicans know all we need to control volcanoes is to sacrifice a virgin. That is why they support abstinence education." --Stephen Colbert
 

George Who?

Times have been tough for former president, George W. Bush. His political party lost the election, he had one of the worst approval ratings of any U.S. president in history and now, to add insult to injury, students in his home state had no idea who he was.

"The president says he intends to embark on bold new programs to expand healthcare, improve education and increase energy independence, all while cutting the deficit in half, and then, he's going to make the Washington monument disappear. So this should be exciting." --Jimmy Kimmel
 

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Biz-Tech News

• Oil edges below $45 on weak U.S., Japan economic data Reuters

• Government could own up to 36 pct. of Citigroup AP

• Economy shrinks at worst pace in 25 years AP

• Economy likely suffered deeper contraction AP

• Economists question budget's economic assumptions AP

• Ford to reopen Cleveland engine plant CNN

• Rocky Mountain News publishes final edition AP

• College Acceptance Letters Are Glitzier, but Rejections Are Harsher U.S. News & World Report

Republicans Lie?

Yep, You Can Set Your Clock By It

Claims that President Barack Obama's tax plans are an assault on small business skirt the likelihood that most job-producing small businesses wouldn't feel that pinch at all.

Obama is proposing to raise taxes on households earning over $250,000 by increasing the rate on the top two tax brackets and limiting deductions, starting in 2011.

Republicans and other critics, knowing they will get little mileage from defending the rich, instead are casting the plan as a tax hit on people who run industrious little companies driving job growth.

That's not likely, according to one in-depth analysis, which found that more than 95 percent of small business owners would be off the hook.

Marijuana Legalization More Popular than Key Conservative Leaders

Bush-Prison-Torture News

• Don't create new Guantanamo elsewhere, EU tells US Reuters

Bush Broke International Law? Yep, Every Chance He Had

 A United Nations special investigator has concluded in a report scheduled for release Friday that foreign intelligence agents sent to question U.S.-held terrorism suspects at Guantanamo Bay had violated international human-rights laws.
 

Go-F**k-Yourself News

• Former VP Cheney Will Speak at Fundraiser WCAX

AHNC weekend commentary

Conservatives’ love of country deserves new awards competition

It’s not often that All Hat No Cattle gets the opportunity to properly recognize the selfless and patriotic behavior of the conservative leadership in American society, but this week has provided a unique confluence of events and personalities.

For starters, there was the magnificent rebuttal by Louisiana Gov. Piyush “Bobby” Jindal on behalf of his Republican Party to the speech given Tuesday night by President Barack Obama. With his unusual, charmingly adolescent style of delivery, Bobby informed us that he does not understand why there is $140 million set aside in the new federal budget for “something called volcano monitoring.” Bobby’s lack of familiarity with volcanoes may be due to the fact that there are none in Louisiana, or possibly he doesn’t understand the definition of the word “monitoring.”

Whichever, he is to be forgiven. Bobby is only 37, so he may not remember when Mount St. Helens blew its top in Washington in 1982, killing a bunch of people and destroying thousands of acres of timberland and other valuable natural resources. And maybe there is no section on volcanoes or any reference to the Mount St. Helens catastrophe in the textbooks used by the fine public schools of Louisiana. No matter. As long as Bobby’s state and his Red State neighbors like Texas, Mississippi and Alabama continue to receive hundreds of millions of dollars in federal money for hurricane “monitoring” and damage repair, it’s okay for states like Washington, Hawaii and Alaska – which do have volcanoes – to not know when the next big blast will happen.

Ironically, the governor of Alaska – where a particularly bad-ass volcano is brewing right now -- is Jindal’s fellow Republican Sarah Palin. But she remained strangely silent over his comment, leaving it up to Democrats and a few other Republicans to rake Jindal over the coals for his abysmal performance. The speech was so bad and drew so much ridicule that conservative idiot … er … ideologue Rush Limbaugh warned Republicans against further criticism of Jindal. And when der Fuhrer says “goosestep,” most conservatives ask “How high should we lift our legs?”

But Jindal and Palin aren’t the only Republican governors to show their asses recently.

Mississippi Gov. Haley Barbour and South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford joined Jindal last week in saying they would refuse some of the federal government’s economic stimulus money intended for their respective states because it would extend unemployment benefits. And they don’t want their states to be responsible for paying extended benefits to their less fortunate citizens in future years, which is part of the deal. Alabama Gov. Robert Riley and Texas Gov. Rick Perry have said they are considering doing the same – rejecting money that would help their constituencies now in these dire economic times.

That will show those damn Democrats (and moderate Republicans who support the stimulus) who’s still in charge in the Deep South!
So with all these great leaders like Jindal, Palin, Barbour et al making such great gubernatorial decisions for the welfare of their people, All Hat No Cattle is initiating a new annual award – the goobernatorials, known colloquially as the “Goobers.” The 8-inch-tall clay statuette signifying the award will be in the form of a man wearing a blindfold, hands covering his ears, and mouth wide open as if preparing to spout more inanities. It’s buttocks will be exposed.

Unlike the Oscar or the Emmy awards, however, voting for the Goobers is open to the public at large and not just to people involved in those professions. So send us your suggestions, and AHNC will announce a winner at year’s end. That leaves plenty of time for potential Goobers to show us their stuff.
 

Click here to email your suggestions

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