February 18, 2004 Wednesday
`Heads should roll' over Iraq
Bush, Make-Believe President
Yet Another Blight
on US, British Credibility
A sure fire way to distract attention away from W's bungled war is to try and stop gays from having a monogamous relationship. It's not going to work.
``The White House finally found one guy who says he remembers serving with President Bush on National Guard duty in Alabama. Isn't that amazing? Now if they can find someone who remember Bush working on an economic plan!'' -Jay Leno
"If they gave out purple hearts for hangovers, W would have been the most decorated soldier of the Vietnam era. " -Barry Crimmins
Jeb & George - Sing
to the Beverly Hillbillies Theme
<< Come and listen to my story 'bout a boy named Bush.
His IQ was zero and his head was up his tush.
He drank like a fish while he drove all about.
But that didn't matter 'cuz his daddy bailed him out.
DUI, that is.
Well, the first thing you know little Georgie goes to Yale.
He can't spell his name but they never let him fail.
He spends all his time hangin' out with student folk.
And that's when he learns how to snort a line of coke.
Blow, that is.
The next thing you know there's a war in Vietnam.
Kin folks say, "George, stay at home with Mom."
Let the common people get all maimed and scarred.
We'll buy you a spot in the Texas Air Guard.
Cushy, that is.
Twenty years later George gets a little bored.
He trades in the booze, says that Jesus is his Lord.
He said, "Now the White House is the place I wanna be."
So he called his daddy's friends and they called the GOP.
Gun owners, that is.
Come November 7, the election ran late.
Kin folks said "Jeb, give the boy your state!"
"Don't let those colored folks get into the polls."
So they put up barricades so they couldn't punch their holes.
Chads, that is.
Before the votes were counted five Supremes stepped in.
Told all the voters "Hey, we want George to win."
"Stop counting votes!" was their solemn invocation.
And that's how George finally got his coronation.
Rigged, that is.
No moral authority.
Y'all come vote now.
Dave Letterman's Top Ten Good Things About Being Named George W. Bush, presented by a man from Ohio called George W. Bush:
10. - "Read my lips, I never pay taxes."
9. - "I receive a courtesy call whenever Cheney has a heart attack."
8. - "I always get the presidential suite at Motel 6 in downtown Cleveland."
7. - "After sex, my wife hums 'Hail to the Chief'."
6. - "Whenever I get bored, I call the Texas Department of Corrections and have them execute a guy."
5. - "Last week, I used an improperly addressed Halliburton contribution to buy myself a trampoline."
4. - "I've been cleaning up on Denny's 'presidents eat free' promotion."
3. - "Amusing late night phone calls from a drunk Tony Blair."
2. - "People are pleasantly surprised that I'm not an idiot."
1. - "The president offered me ten grand for a copy of my military records."
"How many people saw President Bush at the Daytona 500? Did you see that? Bush had a flashback when he saw the race cars. He said, 'Gentleman, start your breathalyzers.'" —Craig Kilborn
If Bush wants to "save" the sanctity of marriage he should outlaw divorce!
"Today the White House released all of the President's military records. They are divided into two sections, scorched and shredded." —Craig Kilborn
Subject: Josh Marshall
Josh Marshall of
fame has a devastating but
funny response to President Bush, who recently said, "Democrats would
endanger America's fiscal health by raising taxes." Mr. Marshall
replies, "When the president came into office the budget surplus was
over $200 billion. Now the deficit is over $500 billion. Even my
frail grasp of mathematics tells me that's a deterioration in the
nation's fiscal health of roughly three-quarters of a trillion
dollars in the three years he's been in office. And for almost all of
that time the president's party controlled both houses of congress.
And he says the Democrats are a danger to the nation's fiscal
health? This is the arsonist in your house telling you that stranger
outside with the hose can't be trusted."
-- Davis Bruce
Hahaha, thanks for writing. Wasn't it Bush who coined the phrase "fuzzy Math."? How appropos.
"Bushes. They have one use. Any questions?" A dog
Check out this site
It looks like
Ralph Nader is poised to announce another run. I guess he found this email
Subject: What will it take?
Hey Ralphie. How ya doing? Long time no talk.
I didn't think we'd need you in '04, but things aren't going as well as I expected...
The rest of my spoof email is here:
I put instant coffee in a
microwave and almost went back in time."
Subject: 50 of Bush's fears (In stream of consciousness order)
50 things I'm fairly
certain George W. Bush is personally afraid of:
2. Terrorists' attacks.
3. Terrorists' plotting attacks.
4. People who look like what he thinks terrorists look like.
5. Osama Bin Laden.
8. All that lies between.
9. His mother.
10. Horses (Connecticut Cowboy)
11. Ordinary people.
12. Especially: The Poor.
13. And Blacks. (Including Republican Blacks.)
14. Gays of all types.
15. Being thought gay.
16. His past.
17. His future.
18. The present.
19. Education and all educational related materials.
20. Being thought a wimp.
21. The inner knowledge that he is a wimp.
22. The inner knowledge that most people know he is a wimp.
23. Being thought a fool.
24. The inner knowledge that he is a clueless fool.
25. The inner knowledge that most people already know he is a fool.
26. The inner knowledge that he's a loser.
27. The public image of being a loser.
28. The fact that he lost the 2000 election and may very well lose the
29. Sex. (Dirty.)
30. Alcohol. (Desires for.)
31. Drugs. (Weakness for.)
32. Karl Rove.
33. His daughters.
34. Backing down.
36. The press.
37. The internet.
38. Public speaking.
39. Other people's freedoms.
40. Foreigners. (Especially the non-white poor.)
41. 'Funny' accents.
42. 'Funny' foods.
43. Humor directed at him.
45. Having to make up his mind.
46. Having to change his mind.
47. Having someone change his mind for him when he doesn't understand.
48. Not understanding much anyway.
49. The dark.
50. That little, dark, mean-minded child that lives inside all men. (I
don't know about women.)
Republican Shenanigans in the News
GOP Seek Caps on Ob-Gyn Malpractice Only
AP - Thu Feb 12, 8:02 PM ET
Senate Republicans are planning a fresh effort to limit medical malpractice awards, focusing on doctors
who stop delivering
babies because of soaring insurance bills.
GOP senators circle wagons round Hatch The Hill, DC - 2-17-04
Three top Senate conservatives have told GOP conservative groups to lay off Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-Utah),
who helped trigger a controversial investigation into leaked Democratic Judiciary Committee documents.
How the Bush team will try to paint Kerry
USATODAY.com - Tue Feb 17, 6:54 AM ET
President Bush's campaign strategists believe "Massachusetts liberal" is a potent political epithet. But
they don't think it's
enough to defeat Massachusetts Sen. John Kerry.
Prosecutor in Terror Case Sues Ashcroft
AP – 2-18-04
The Justice Department has exaggerated its performance in the war on terrorism, interfered with a major terror
and compromised a confidential informant, a federal prosecutor has alleged in an extraordinary lawsuit against
Attorney General John Ashcroft.
Economist: I Didn't Laud U.S. Job Losses
AP - Tue Feb 17, 6:17 PM ET
President Bush's chief economist, who stirred controversy by suggesting that shipping U.S. service jobs overseas could
be good for the economy, said Tuesday his comments were "far from clear and were misinterpreted."
AP: Pet Projects Weigh Down Energy Bill
Researchers and companies working to prevent future power blackouts are seeing their federal funding slip away to
lawmakers' home-district projects, including research on ceramic engines and burning recycled carpets as fuel.
Limbaugh lawyer appeals for records
Palm Beach Post, FL - 2-18-04
WEST PALM BEACH -- Arguing that privacy rights of all Floridians are under attack,
Rush Limbaugh's attorneys asked a court Tuesday to return the talk-show ...
9/11 Panel to Hear Tenet, Rumsfeld Testify Publicly
Los Angeles Times (subscription), CA - 2-18-04
WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld and CIA Director George J ... is
preparing to hold private meetings with Bush, Vice President Dick Cheney ...
Bush Said Unlikely to Dump Cheney
AP - 2-18-04
Dick Cheney is only six years older than President Bush, but his long government
resume and graying presence helped offset the Texas governor's lack of seasoning
and foreign policy experience in 2000.
Groups Net More Than $100M in Soft Money
AP - Fri Feb 13,12:40 PM ET
Big donations known as soft money found a fresh channel into politics in the months
after a new law broadly banned them, flowing to political groups that raised more than $100 million…
U.S., Europeans to Sit Out Hearings on Wall
AP - 2-18-04
The United States and most European countries will not appear at the International
Court of Justice to press their arguments
Bagle.B Internet worm third most virulent in history: experts
The Bagle.B Internet worm continued to propagate itself throughout the world, with experts
ranking the virus as the third most dangerous computer bug after the notorious Sobig.F and Mydoom.A.
U.S. Commander Sees Troops Staying in Iraq for Years
Reuters - Wed Feb 18, 5:50 AM ET
The U.S. commander in Iraq, in an interview published on Wednesday, said he sees American
troops staying for years
U.S. Intelligence Official: Qaeda Posed Plane Threat
Reuters - Tue Feb 17, 3:27 PM ET
Al Qaeda has deployed operatives to hijack planes and fly them into targets in an echo of the Sept. 11
attacks and is looking at derailing trains possibly carrying hazardous material, according to a top U.S.
Report: 4,450 priests accused of abusing youths since 1950
USATODAY.com - Tue Feb 17, 6:54 AM ET
Nearly 4,500 Catholic priests allegedly sexually abused thousands of children and teens from 1950 to 2002
- 4% of all 110,000 U.S. priests in "active ministry," CNN reported Monday.
Another Rape Charge Surfaces at Colorado University
A scandal at the University of Colorado over the use of sex and alcohol to recruit star athletes widened on
Tuesday when the only woman ever to play on the school's football team said she was raped by a teammate in 1999.
Bush Says His View of Iraq Threat Was Widely Held
Reuters - Tue Feb 17, 9:36 PM ET
President Bush on Tuesday sought to blunt criticism he exaggerated prewar intelligence by saying his
conclusion that Iraq had banned weapons was shared by the U.S. Congress..
States fight No Child Left Behind, calling it intrusive
USATODAY.com - Thu Feb 12, 7:24 AM ET
Two years after President Bush signed his far-reaching education reform law, lawmakers in Virginia,
Utah and seven other states are taking steps to opt out or block using state funds for No Child Left Behind,
calling the law an intrusion on local control….
A REAL HOTDOG
Polaroid Warns Film Users Not to 'Shake It'
Reuters - Tue Feb 17,12:41 PM ET
Outkast fans like to "shake it like a Polaroid picture," but the instant camera maker is warning
consumers that taking the advice of the hip-hop stars could ruin your snapshots.
Cow Drags Farmer to Safety in New Zealand
Tue Feb 17, 3:01 PM ET
A New Zealand farmer escaped from a flooded river by hanging on to one of her cows as it struggled
through the raging waters, local newspapers reported.
Flasher Interrupts Classes at Iowa State
Tue Feb 17, 6:06 PM ET
Three classes at Iowa State University — two of them in the past two weeks — have been interrupted
by a man who flashed students and then ran…
Birds and bees inspire micro spy-plane
Scientists are studying the mechanics of insect flight in their development of a tiny spy
aircraft no bigger than a bee.
"When I get real bored, I like to drive down town and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving. " --Steven Wright