I wonder if Dubya would crack under torture and finally admit he was AWOL during his National Guard service?
"Tom Ridge told friends he is resigning so he can go into the public sector to make more money. Finally, a Republican acting like a Republican. That is an honest man. None of this crap about spending more time with my family. Forget red and orange, I want to see some green." -- Jay Leno
"NAACP president Kweisi Mfume announced that he is stepping down as head of the NAACP. President Bush issued a statement about it today saying that this shows what a great country this is, when a black man can rise to the head of the NAACP." -- Jay Leno
The Large Editor
Learning the ways of Righteousness and the Right
Fans of this column (both of them) inquired about its absence from last weekend’s edition of All Hat No Cattle.
It now can be revealed that The Large Editor was attending a reeducation seminar and spiritual retreat for journalists and others who have questioned or ridiculed the Bush administration.
I felt honored to be selected for the first annual Robert D. Novak Symposium on Politics, Propaganda and Paranoia, sponsored by Halliburton, Diebold and assorted oil companies. The guest lecturers were impressive and the demonstrations memorable.
Outgoing Attorney General John Ashcroft discussed plans to further restrict news media access to government records, meetings and other sources of information. He alternately spoke in tongues and sang gospel hymns to deliver his message, however, so those of us in attendance who have not yet been born again had to use translators. The backdrop for Ashcroft’s presentation was a replica of the Venus de Milo, except the statue was missing its breasts instead of its arms.
Also in the lineup was Karl Rove, speaking on the power of repetitious misinformation campaigns. “Throw Enough on the Wall, and Some of It Will Stick” may be the finest program ever presented on political obfuscation, deception and fear tactics.
And Novak himself got into the act. Television’s ace investigative troll explained how to publish the identity of a CIA agent and avoid prosecution, while legitimate journalists who didn’t print the agent’s name face threats of jail time.
Then the entertainment portion of the program got underway, starting with the Fox chorus line. What a routine! High-kicking newscaster babes alternated along the line with Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity and that ex-weather guy who brings such depth of understanding to global affairs during the morning news show.
But that was just the beginning. Tucker Carlson demonstrated the art of bow tie knotting. Rush Limbaugh displayed his collection of empty oxycontin bottles and gave pointers on not slurring your speech on radio despite intoxication. Ann Coulter showed the audience how to duck a thrown cream pie, then led everybody in a rousing cheer of “Convert ’em or kill ’em.”
The spiritual retreat portion of the symposium took place after nightfall. Following a cross-burning and condemned books bonfire outside the cabins, we all were ushered into a commons building by the Rev. Jerry Falwell. He wanted to show us what happens to "the apostate, the unclean, the anti-Christ, the anti-Bush.”
Inside the commons, Michael Moore was standing on a chair with a hood over his head and wires attached to various appendages while FBI and IRS agents questioned him. From behind various doors around the room came muffled screams.
“Those are doubting-Thomas journalists like yourselves going through the cleansing ritual of rebirth,” Falwell said. “We use boiling water for this particular baptism ceremony.”
Right then and there, I saw the error of my ways and repented. Now I’m back on the job, ready to do the Lord’s will and kiss the posterior of the Bush administration. Just like all good patriot journalists.
More Random Violence In Iraq TheDay, Conn.
U.S. to Increase Its Force in Iraq by Nearly 12,000 New York Times
Bush adamant elections must be in January Barre Montpelier Times Argus, Vermont
Three Arrested in Germany for Plot on Allawi Washington Post
America's man at the U.N. quits after six months Telegraph.co.uk
Russia, China, Britain rally to back Annan Seattle Post Intelligencer
U.S. ready to offer amnesty to 'non-criminal Talibans Webindia123.com, India
BUSH EYES BILL CLINTON FOR ROLE IN MIDEAST – New York Post
Nearly Half Of Americans Using Prescription Drugs WESH.com, Fla.
Lesbian Methodist minister defrocked after trial Detroit Free Press
“We've seen hundreds of thousands of people take to the streets in the Ukraine to force a showdown over a questionable election. Yet here in America, after a national election with some 30,000 reported cases of irregularities, there is this odd silence. When a former satellite of the Soviet Union shames the greatest democracy in the history of the world on something as elemental as the right to vote, things are badly out of joint.” -- William Rivers Pitt, The Ethic of Total Opposition
Bush calls for forum to look at tax reform Seattle Times
Ex-NY top cop tapped for Homeland Security Chicago Sun Times
Nebraska governor picked for agriculture secretary Monterey County
Study Faults Abstinence Courses New York Times
Pre-K Requests Likely to Fall By the Wayside The Ledger, Fla.
Gov. Bush proposes tax breaks for manufacturers Daytona Beach News-Journal, Fla.
Should the Constitution be amended for Arnold? USATODAY.com
'Deep Throat' Had an Adam's Apple click here and scroll down
“Last couple of days, President Bush was in Canada and things are not good between the Canadians and the United States. … Didn't go very well. But on the bright side, he was able to refill all his prescriptions while he was there.” -- David Letterman
This untitled 2002 collage
by the Argentine plastic artist Leon Ferrari is displayed as part of his
1954-2004 retrospective exhibit at Buenos Aires' Recoleta Cultural Center.
(Photo by Daniel Garcia)
"You can really tell when the Republicans have taken over. You know who the new head of the NAACP is? Trent Lott." -- Jay Leno
Four execs to plead guilty San Francisco Chronicle
Halliburton shakes up its top ranks Houston Chronicle
Bechtel takes responsibility for 8 leaks San Francisco Chronicle
Oil Still Smarting from $6 Rout Reuters
Free Credit 101 ABC News
Testosterone patch fails to get OK Cleveland Plain Dealer
Alternatives to flu shots fill Web sites USATODAY.com
Mars Rovers Reports Published PhysOrg.com
Who's Googling You? PC World
Desktop Search: The Ultimate Security Hole? Ziff Davis
Escaping blame for Abu Ghraib Boston Globe
Abu Ghraib hearings to be held at Fort Hood Houston Chronicle
Iraqi abuse scandal: Graner may lose prison job Pittsburgh Tribune-Review
Nominate Your Favorite Poltical Website from About.com
Senate GOP Wants to Change Filibusters Newsday, NY
Cheney to attend Karzai's inauguration Seattle Post Intelligencer
The Dumbest Things President Bush Said in 2004
Study: Fla. Streets Among Most Dangerous Bradenton Herald, Fla.
Once Again, London Britches Falling Down Washington Post
Feeling of good cheer? Maybe it was the TV International Herald Tribune
Flying pig payout promised Reuters
“Dunkin Donuts announced they will start taking credit cards. It's the only card where they can tell if you're over your limit just by looking at your ass.” -- Jay Leno
British scientists seeking to protect the environment have designed a biodegradable mobile phone cover that breaks down in soil when discarded and sprouts a flower from a seed embedded inside the case. Researchers at the University of Warwick in central England said the novel device, made from a specially designed polymer, is a boon for the environmentally sensitive. (University Of Warwick)