Oxymoron Headline of 2004: Bush Signs Intelligence Bill “According to a report just out today, our nation's public health system is not ready for a bioterror scare. We're not ready for bioterror. We're not even ready for the flu, okay?” -- Jay Leno
“We can't even do a background check on the guy who's supposed to be in charge of background checks.” -- Jay Leno on Bernard Kerik
With Bernie Kerik sunk deeper than the Titanic, it’s going to be tough for President Bush to choose a new Homeland Security director from the pack of contenders considered appropriate by his innermost circle of neo-con and militant Christian advisers. All Hat No Cattle has managed to obtain the short list from which Dubya has been told to choose. The confidential government source who leaked it can rest assured that his/her identity will never be revealed by AHNC unless we are paid a lot of money. Or threatened with a visit from John Ashcroft leading a group of Christmas carolers. Anyway, the list compiled by the best and brightest of the Bush bunch includes: Barney Fife: In the classic Kerik mold. Hard-nosed street cop claimed his mother was a honky-tonk dancer from Arkansas who loved moonshine. Fife rose up through the ranks by pretending to be stupider than he really is. Doesn’t remember his first marriage. Donald Rumsfeld: Will need a new job soon. Gruff career administrator has done a terrific job in Iraq and knows where many skeletons are buried from previous Republican administrations. Devoted troops call their unarmored vehicles “Rumvees” after him. J. Edgar Hoover: Oops! This one’s dead, boss. Don’t know how it got through our vetting process. But he would have been super for the job! Arnold Schwarzenegger: Hates girlie-men, likes gang-bangs. The California governor is bored with budget battles and paper-shuffling and wants to go back to ass-kicking. Plans to use Homeland Security department as the basis for a new reality TV action series, “I’ll Be Back.” Zell Miller: Duelist wannabe. Former Georgia governor and supposed Democrat still requires payback for his assistance to Dubya, the GOP and ultra-conservatives in general. First act as director would be high noon challenge fight with broadcaster Chris Matthews (Zell gets pistol, Chris gets sword). Joe McCarthy: As far right and unscrupulous as they get. Former Wisconsin senator and witch hunter… Whoa! This one’s dead, too, Mr. President. Sorry about that. We’re going to have to do something about our vetting process. Darn! This guy also would have been great! Kenneth Starr: The Grand Inquisitor. This renowned lawyer and Constitutional scholar spent $60 million-plus investigating The Great Satan Clinton and found out he lied under oath about extramarital sex. Doesn’t walk and chew gum simultaneously. Wants to utilize dartboard technology to revamp the national color code alert system. Faced with this array of talent, the President is bound to make a good choice for Homeland Security. First, though, he wants a lesson on how to use a dartboard.
"I did not have political relations with that man, Ken Lay." – Ernest Hollings poking fun at President Bush's effort to distance himself from the Enron scandal. The-World-Is-A-Safer-Place-Without-Saddam News
“President Bush's choice for Homeland Security director, Bernard Kerik, has stepped down because they said he hired a nanny that may have been an illegal alien, had a number of mistresses and may have had mob ties. Well, that makes you feel secure, doesn't it?” -- Jay Leno
On this day in 1992, President Bush, Canadian Prime Minister Brian Mulroney and Mexican President Carlos Salinas de Gortari signed the North American Free Trade Agreement in separate ceremonies. Disturbing News
Fiore presents: Rummy's greatest hits Republican Shenanigans
“This week, President Bush awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom to former CIA Director George Tenet. Remember George Tenet? Remember the country went to war based on his absolute guarantee that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction? It's a slam dunk. Of course, it turned out his information was completely wrong. And today, Dan Rather said, ‘Hey, where's my medal?’ ” -- Jay Leno Rock-The-Voter News
"I thought it was really telling afterward that he would literally talk to anyone who would talk to him. I realized that this is the greatest thing that ever happened to him. For me, it's 'Oh, my God, that was awful.' And for him, it's 'Let me go on "Extra" and "Access Hollywood." "-- "Daily Show" fake-news anchor Jon Stewart on his takedown of "Crossfire" host Tucker Carlson. Good News
Have you cast your vote for Best Bush Humor from www.about.com ?
Click here to visit Dan's site Really Creative Christmas Gift Ideas from the University Of Buffalo
Pre-inauguration
Partying
The number ONE request at Walter Reed hospital is phone cards.
Graphic By Patricia Gerber -- San Francisco Biz-Tech News
"Have you seen these houses where people overdo it with their Christmas decorations? The houses with ten thousand blinking lights, the giant inflatable Santas and the loudspeakers blaring Christmas music ... Are we supposed to believe those people are deeply religious? I mean, even God just put up the North Star when Jesus was born. He didn't do a meteor shower, a giant volcano and a solar eclipse." – Jay Leno
“Bernard Kerik said he's sorry he will not be able to be head of Homeland Security. He said, with a wife and two mistresses, he just doesn't have the time.” -- Jay Leno Bush-Prison-Torture News
Go-F***-Yourself News
“President Bush's daughter, Jenna, announced plans to teach at a public school in Washington, DC. As a result, the teacher's lounge is adding a happy hour.” -- Conan O’Brien Odd News
Lenticular clouds hover over Mount Erebus volcano in McMurdo Sound where massive icebergs from the Ross Ice Shelf are clogging the sea in Antarctica. (U.S. Coast Guard photo) Peace.
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Dave
Casey
