Yep, it's time to have a president who actually fought in a war.
"Earlier, John Kerry went hunting for geese in Ohio, but President Bush says Kerry only did it for the photo op. The weird part is that Bush said this while wearing a flight suit and standing on the deck of an aircraft carrier.'' -- Conan O'Brien
When this presidential election finally is decided – after ballot recounts in many states lasting for weeks and court battles at various levels lasting for months – a new reality TV game show will be spawned to recreate Campaign 2004 for mass consumption at the lowest common intellectual denominator.
Producers will call it The Fret Factor (because Fear Factor already has been used). It will air on Sinclair Broadcasting stations and on local cable public access channels right after the pet adoption show.
The Fret Factor will work something like this.
President George W. Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney will open the show, each citing his favorite reasons why Americans should fear the election of the Democratic opposition.
Dubya: “If Sen. John Kerry is elected president, terrorists will attack the United States, taxes will increase, and homosexuals will threaten the sanctity of marriage.”
Dick: “If Kerry is elected, terrorists will attack the United States, private ownership of machine guns will be outlawed, and homosexuals will threaten the sanctity of my reputation as a parent and right-winger.”
The cameras then will switch to Kerry and running mate John Edwards as they prepare to respond, but the show will be interrupted by an emergency news bulletin that the terror threat level has been elevated to magenta in Two Shoe, Ala., because of an intelligence report from an unspecified government agency that the local taxidermist has been targeted by environmental radicals. When the program returns, the cameras will be focused on several conservative religious leaders waiting to give their reasons why Americans should vote Republican.
The Right Rev. Frank Fellatio: “If Kerry is elected, the Bible will be banned! Copies of The Good Book will be burned in huge bonfires that we, the Righteous, had planned for certain science and history texts! And tens of millions of dollars raised by televangelists will be taxed!”
Monsignor Patrick Pederast: “If Kerry is elected, not only will abortion remain legal, but it will be made mandatory for any pregnant woman whom the liberals don’t like! And criminal investigations will continue of Catholic Church officials who have protected sexual-predator priests!”
Rabbi Israel Isalwaysright: “If Kerry is elected, the Jews will no longer be the Chosen People! And I’m not talking about God here; I’m talking about being chosen to receive the most U.S. foreign aid of any nation! The next thing you know, we’ll have to give land back to the Palestinians!”
The cameras then will switch to a panel of moderate, mainstream American clergy for response, but they won’t be visible. They will be hiding behind their podiums because of death threats, so the show will cut to a commercial break without comment from the moderates.
After the commercial – a Bob Dole plug for Viagra and how it helps aging elephants attract young females – The Fret Factor returns with its unbiased moderator and judge at center stage. It’s still unclear at this time who will be hired for this vital role, but the entertainment industry rumor mill already is speculating on a veteran conservative radio show host or a fair and balanced fellow from FOX News. It all depends on their court schedules.
But whoever hosts The Fret Factor will make one thing perfectly clear: Americans needed to re-elect Bush and Cheney because they and their supporters had the scariest stories. Call it the Halloween vote.
"In a new poll, Nickelodeon asked children who they would vote for in the presidential election, and the kids picked John Kerry. Bush was so angry he told the kids tonight they would get a visit from the 'Boogie-Cheney.'" -- Conan O'Brien
Mortars miss Iraqi prime minister's residence Pakistan Dawn, Pakistan
Bus full of women attacked Miami Herald (subscription), FL
Two Iraqi Children Killed in Car, U.S. Blamed - (Reuters)
Religious Leaders Ahead in Iraq Poll washingtonpost.com
Tenet: CIA made errors St. Joseph Herald Palladium, M
Israel May Have Iran in Its Sights Los Angeles Times
Taliban official arrested in attack that injured three U.S. soldiers Minneapolis Star Tribune (subscription)
Taliban Faction Seeks Return to Power by Ballot - (Los Angeles Times)
The Real October Surprise
Anthrax case may bring heat on reporters Seattle Post Intelligencer
China arrests New York Times researcher China Post, Taiwan
Plane lacked cockpit safety device USATODAY.com
"But the administration is fighting back against the flu ... criticism. Health and Human Services Secretary Tommy Thompson sought to pre-empt panic by noting, quote: 'We've successfully worked through vaccine supply problems in the past, and we're doing so this time as well. We need all of us to take a deep breath.'Adding, 'On second thought, make that a shallow breath. Preferably through a gauze pad.'" -- Jon Stewart
“If Barbara ever gets her hands on Sen. Kerry he's gonna need another Purple Heart." -- Former President Bush describing his dignified wife
Robertson comment troubles some voters The Decatur Daily
Rush Seeks Higher Court Ruling E! Online
THEATER REVIEW | 'LAURA'S BUSH' - New York Times
Flash animation about Bush "Leadership Happens!"
Rhetoric May Hurt Martinez At Polls Washington Post
Clinton due in Broward to campaign for Kerry Sun-Sentinel.com, FL
"I don't need Mr. Keyes lecturing me about Christianity. That's why I have my pastor. That's why I have my Bible. That's why I have my own prayers. . . . I'm not running to be minister of Illinois. I'm running to be its U.S. senator." –- Barak Obama, Senate Candidate from Illinois putting Alan Keyes in his place
Let the President answer on higher anarchy/Strap him with an AK-47, let him go fight his own war/Let him impress daddy that way –- Lyrics to Eminem ‘s new song
Martha Nukes Food, Files Appeal E! Online
Ferry Company Warns of Cuts or a Shutdown New York Times
Earthlink Profits Soar TechWeb
Crooks slither into Net's shady nooks and crannies USATODAY.com -
“Let’s see, what did I do last Friday? I got a haircut and called a guy a dick on national television.” –- Jon Stewart
TV briefs: "60 Minutes" to do piece on Jon Stewart
Seattle Times, WA
"We are certainly in agreement on the need for this nation to reaffirm that we are a nation under God. We need a spiritual revival.” –- Ronald Reagan wrote in 1980 to Army Col. Green
Columnist Ann Coulter hit
with custard pies
TUCSON, Ariz. -- Two men ran onstage and threw custard pies at conservative columnist Ann Coulter as she was giving a speech at the ...
I saw the video. Ann ran offstage -- quick, like a bunny.
Graphic By Stephanie
Click Here for Cheney's Nuke Scare and Bush Plan From The Daily Scribble
Go-F*** -Yourself News
Kentucky race turns as whispers grow louder USATODAY.com
Letter To Bill
Boycotting the French
Fox News Network
Dear Mr. O'Reilly,
I've been a big supporter of your efforts to boycott French products. You won't find so much as a gallic loofah in my house. I'm worried, however, that you and I might be the only people still doing it. The boycott isn't in the news anymore, and I suspect that many people have forgotten about it.
Today, the French announced that they are exporting a new product into our country, flu vaccine. This is our opportunity to focus the public's attention on the boycott again. All you need to do is use your television and radio shows to mobilize people to boycott the vaccine -- make it public enemy number one.
Bill, we need you to revive the boycott. Please don't let us down.
Gen. JC Christian, patriot
Kerry says he'll make science a priority Cleveland Plain Dealer
Ohio U. Undergrad Makes National News with Kerry Interview Editor and Publisher
"This election is not about what we are against, it is about what we are for. We offer a new beginning for America based on hopes, dreams and endless optimism, not fear, greed and attack politics." -- Sen. John Edwards.
Man's Body Found In Wheel Well Of Airplane The New Mexico Channel.com
Sliwa won't clam New York Daily News
What's the difference between
Vietnam and Iraq?
Bush had a plan for getting out of Vietnam.
A recent photograph from Helsinki University shows a vessel, representing an old man carrying a water fowl, that ranks among the most impressive finds of excavations at Pariti, Bolivia. Ceramic artifacts found by Finnish archeologists during the dig have shed new light on the prehistoric Tiwanaku people, of whom little is known, Helsinki University officials said. (Antti Korpisaari)